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Anonymous asked: I'm a survivor of both child molestation and a rape as a teen, 3 yrs later I know I really need to go see an OBGYN. I just can't get over the anxiety. I have a huge problem with being touched / not having control. I know I need to go b/c my rapist could have easily given me something or fucked me up down there. I'm terrified I'm gonna have a flashback & just start to cry or shake. Idk what to do, but if I don't go, I could be worse I feel like such a loser, I just can't get past it. Helpp.


Rape tw 

CSA tw

ob/gyn cw

Hi there anon,

Seeing an ob/gyn can be a really scary thing to think about, especially after what you’ve been through.  It is completely normal and okay for you to feel anxious and to not like being touched.  Feeling that way does not make you a loser in the slightest, and I want you to know that I feel that way too.  When I realized I was getting to an age where I ought to see an ob/gyn and I started dealing with the fallout of a teenage rape, I was terrified.  And it’s okay that I was terrified.  It’s okay that you’re terrified too.  So let’s talk about possible ways to deal with the anxiety.

  1. Making a pre-appointment appointment.  If you feel comfortable doing it yourself, you can call and make your appointment, and when you do so, ask to have an appointment (some places call it a consultation) with the ob/gyn before the actual physical exam.  That way you can talk to the ob/gyn, get to know them, and see if you feel comfortable.  If your gut says no, make an appointment to see someone else.
  2. Setting boundaries.  If you feel like you can trust them, maybe you can tell them (as vaguely or specifically as you want) about your traumas and the two of you can go through some boundaries for the physical.  However, even if you don’t explain why, you can always say something like, “I really don’t like being touched and I’m nervous about this appointment.  Can we set some boundaries?” My ob/gyn is amazing and we’ve set some really helpful boundaries.  Examples: my ob/gyn always describes what is happening and exactly what she is about to do, including where she is going to touch me and what she is going to use to touch me, like whether it will be her hands or a medical instrument.  Again, if you trust your ob/gyn, you can also tell them signs to look for if you’re freaking out so that they can pause and check in with you.  A good doctor will listen to these requests.
  3. Have a buddy come with you!  I always have a friend come and sit in the waiting room for me, or I have a pre-set person to call/text afterwards.  I’ve also been the buddy for some of my friends, and I even went into the exam room (outside of the curtain) with one of my friends and held their hand during the exam.  
  4. Self-care plans afterwards.  Whatever this means for you, whether that is sending a message to SCaR, calling a friend, seeing a movie, taking a bath, or going for a run, make sure you set up some things to do afterwards so that you can feel safe.
  5. Take a self-soothing object with you.  I never go to ob/gyn appointments without my stress ball or some kind of fiddle toy.  Some people like smooth stones or beaded necklaces.  When I go in, I squeeze my stress ball and count the number of squeezes.  That gives my brain something to do other than panic, and both the rhythm and sensation really help.

I know it’s hard.  But you’re being really brave and smart about this.  Taking care of your health is so important, and just writing this question is a huge first step.  Please come back if you need anything else, and be on the lookout for any more posts about visiting an ob/gyn because I think I remember a good post about this that I’ll try to reblog.  The tag will be ‘reblogging for reasons.’

Hang in there, anon.  You’re doing the right thing.

~ Joy


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A lot of people like to explain consent in sexual encounters as “No means no.” This is true, but doesn’t capture as many crucial parts of happy fun sex and experiences as “Yes means yes!” Consent should always be informed and enthusiastic, never coerced, and you and your partner should be looking for consent continuously. Stay safe, stay happy, and have fun!

Consent can look different for different people, but that’s why communication between partners is so important. No matter what it looks like though, consent should not hinge on any fear, discomfort, or pressure. 

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